Relationship (to) Control

Having a healthy posture and understanding towards the idea of control will touch every aspect of our lives… for better or worse.

In the world’s broken system, surrender is what one does when they finally and completely lose. In the Kingdom, surrender is what one does when they want to win.

Matthew 16:25

For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it.

Meaning: Trying to tightly control your life, safety, and future leads to losing what truly matters. Letting go of that control for the sake of Christ leads to true life.

Consider, if you will, a fresh perspective on how to frame some of the concepts that tend to repetitively buffet our souls over and over.

Fear

This can be defined as ‘faith in the wrong direction’ or ‘believing that something negative will happen.’ I agree with that definition. But another way to define it could be ‘the emotional fruit that comes from a loss or lack of control over a situation or circumstance.

Allow me to illustrate this principle in a way that resonates better, please.

You notice that an ongoing and uncomfortable symptom shows up in your body, like, let’s say, a pain in your spleen (I don’t know if you can feel your spleen, but this should be a fun ride…). Due to the fact that you are a well-discipled student of the Finished Work of Christ, you are fully convinced that Jesus’ completed, all-encompassing, atoning work has delivered you from the curse of sickness and disease. Additionally, because you are led by the confidence and conviction that the Spirit-filled believers of the New Testament operated in (like Peter and John at the Gate Beautiful), you are faithfully fighting against that spleen-pain through the power of faith-infused words that take the shape of declarations against the pain and for your health.

Because you are a humble follower of Christ, you are also going through a proper inventory of the natural categories in your life to make sure there are no irreverent, self-afflicting behaviors that could be defined as ‘tempting the Lord.’ That would take the shape of checking your diet content and amount to eliminate the possibility of just some sugar-infused, spleen-indigestion scenario being at fault. You also look at your lifestyle parameters like exercise and movement to ward off the chance of having spleen-atrophy from lack of robust movement. Not from the attitude of legalism to disqualify yourself from healing, but from the proper mindset of stewarding the Temple of the Holy Spirit with reverence and excellence.

Along the same line, you check with your spouse to make sure they are not ‘accidentally’ kneeing you in the night hours of your slumber because there is an unresolved conflict that you are oblivious to. Not that any of you would be married to someone who may take out their frustrations in the passive-aggressive activity of a judo-style knee to the spleen, right? (On a side note: Kay and I regularly do marriage counseling, and I am also a ‘Life Coach’ for professionals who need some sacredly guarded spiritual mentorship. Maybe we can save a spleen or two, together…)

After exhausting all of the known spiritual and natural remedies that our healing checklist annotates, you finally concede to the reality that you need to bring in a medical professional. Hopefully, what that means for my readers who are the most spiritually mature in the whole blog-o-sphere, is that they make an appointment with a Born Again, Jesus-loving, Scripture-knowing, Faith-walking, petroleum-drug-hating, non-woke-trained, compassionate professional who will give you the truth in love. The kind who will call ‘sin’ sin, ‘fat’ fat, and will do it in the love of God. After pushing through the embarrassment of being paraded around a medical facility while wearing a large, printed napkin that, for some torturous reason, was not engineered to cover the backside of the impatient patient who has a gown crack that was aligned with their own God-designed crack that separates the left pad of our fleshly seat cushion from the right, you eventually find yourself seated on wax paper in a cold room causing other physical symptoms like shivering to manifest. It is at this point that your mentality is not flying the friendly skies of optimism while riding a unicorn who gloriously sprinkles glitter from his exhaust pipe.

You’re struggling… for realsies.

This is when the Doc strolls in nonchalantly, chewing on an old pen, with a furrowed brow of contempt, and starts out with a good Yankee-ism: “Welp…” Everything is downhill from there. You have been labeled as a possessor of “spleen-itis”, and all the tests have confirmed that prognosis as fact.

Fear that was quietly lurking around the dark basement of your temple now jumps out of the stairwell with the wicked laugh of a cartoon villain wearing a “Spleen-Itis” t-shirt, walking towards you with a scalpel and a six-figure medical bill. What is the root of that fear?

One would say that it is caused by the normal human plight of mortality that causes THE fear of death. And for a peripheral Christian, or a Church-I-anity styled person, I can get that. If a person has truly never been fully immersed in the divine truth of resurrection life, there will be a natural dread of getting to the end of our terrestrial journey. When one does not have the higher truth of the quality and quantity of Eternal Life flowing like rivers of life-giving water, the lower truth of the unknown depths of the Dead Sea can be mentally debilitating. The number one cause of death in Canada last year was caused by choosing to die, under ‘medical care’. For you and me in the real world, that is usually called murder. They call it ‘assisted suicide’ and ‘abortion’ under the guise of health care.

But, for an authentic believer, who sincerely believes the truth of scripture, that type of fear is as extinct as an Aqua-Net-infused, big-bangs senior picture while sporting a neon blouse with shoulder pads. Fear should be as gone as the 90’s, dude.

Hebrews 2:14-15

Now since the children have flesh and blood, He too shared in their humanity, so that by His death He might destroy him who holds the power of death, that is, the devil, and free those who all their lives were held in slavery by their fear of death.

Things to note about this divine statement:

1. Jesus legitimately went ‘there’. His death was not ethereal, faux-substitutionary, imaginative, deceptive, or unreal as some speculate. It was as real a death as anyone has ever experienced. The pain, the blood, the constricted breathing, and the departing of the spirit were all components of what Jesus tasted for us all. He was human, really human, and His death was really human too.

2. His death was not just an expression of His power or supremacy over our mortal enemy of death and the author of it, the satan. He did not die to show off that he could whip the devil in a cosmic arm-wrestling match so we could all fawn about how awesome Jesus is comparatively. Nope. We really need to resign ourselves to the truth that death and the satan are not the ‘equals’ of God like two heavyweight boxers are both 6’2” and 220 lbs squaring up to see which one has just a smidge more skill or stamina. God forbid! God is infinitely (maybe look that word up again just for impact) stronger, better, and wiser than all of the enemies, spiritually or physically, added together. Jesus faced the enemy of humanity from the lowest possible position: human. His victory was not to assert God’s eternal dominance, which has never been in question, but to illustrate humanity’s potential (in Him).

3. The declared destruction of ‘him who holds the power of death’ was not a partial or temporary thing, as some have tried to argue. Destruction is ‘katargeó’ (καταργέω) and it has a totality and finality that cannot be explained away.

   • Here is Strong’s entry:

     • abolish, cease, cumber, do away

     • From kata and argeo; to be (render) entirely idle (useless), literally or figuratively -- abolish, cease, cumber, deliver, destroy, do away, become (make) of no (none, without) effect, fail, loose, bring (come) to nought, put away (down), vanish away, make void.

   • Here is TDNT (Theological Dictionary of the New Testament)

     • (katargéō) means ‘to make completely inoperative’ or ‘to put out of use’

   • The clearest declaration is 2 Timothy 1:10: “our Savior Christ Jesus…has abolished death and has brought life and immortality to light through the gospel.” By His incarnation, crucifixion, and resurrection, Jesus stripped death of its ability to hold His people. Death is dead…

4. Notice that it was the ‘FEAR of death’ that caused the slavery. Not the actual entity or force of death holding us as captives. We were enslaved by the spiritual temptation that manifests emotionally in a way we have all been familiar with. Anytime one of us gives fear a place to exist, it is a subtle submission to slavery.

I have said all of that to submit that another way to frame ‘fear’ in this medical illustration is as a loss of control. Slavery can be defined as a person having no rights or control over their own existence because they are ‘property’ of the slave master. It is not just about dying, especially for a secure believer, because dying is an upgrade. It is really about the loss of effective control over our health, physical capacities, quality of life, and possibly our length of life, depending on how deadly spleen-itis can be.

Our relationship to the idea of control will actually be a dominating factor in nearly every realm of life.

Relationships

People who bully others are slaves to fear. They must control the relationship; otherwise, they experience a form of death. Not necessarily physical death, obviously, but a kind of psychological, emotional, reputational, or egoic death that feels unbearable to the unsubmitted soul. The bully is not strong. The bully is terrified. The bully has learned to weaponize volume, intimidation, manipulation, sulking, accusation, spiritual language, selective silence, emotional withdrawal, or some other sanctified-looking taser because somewhere underneath all the noise is a person who believes that if they do not dominate the room, the room will somehow destroy them. Control is not the fruit of authority; it is often the fruit of fear wearing authority’s jacket and hoping nobody checks the nametag.

This is why Scripture never treats domination as a fruit of godly leadership. After the fall, God tells the woman in Genesis 3:16, “Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.” That word “rule” is the Hebrew מָשַׁל (mashal), and in this context, it is not a Hallmark verse about healthy household order. It is the fracture line of sin running straight through the most intimate human relationship. God is not prescribing abusive control as the ideal design for marriage; He is describing the curse-infected distortion that sin will bring into human relationships. The partnership of Eden becomes a power struggle. The one who was bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh now becomes someone to manage, leverage, corner, fear, or control. Sin turns communion into competition. Sin turns covenant into control. Sin turns the other person from a gift to be cherished into a threat to be neutralized or eliminated.

That is why Jesus has to come along and absolutely wreck the world’s model of authority. In Mark 10:42–45, Jesus says that the rulers of the Gentiles “lord it over” them. The Greek word is κατακυριεύω (katakyrieuō), and it carries the idea of bringing someone under one’s mastery, subduing them, pressing them beneath one’s control. Then He adds that their great ones “exercise authority over” them, from κατεξουσιάζω (katexousiazō), which intensifies the idea of using authority in a domineering way. In other words, Jesus was not naïve about power. He knew exactly what fallen people do when they get a little authority, a little position, a little title, a little microphone, a little money, a little institutional leverage, or even just a little emotional advantage in a conversation. They turn authority into a crowbar and start prying other people open with it.

But Jesus says, “It shall not be this way among you.” That sentence alone should terrify half the church world and put the other half on its knees. Kingdom authority is not ‘control’ with a Bible verse taped to it. Kingdom authority is not bullying with a ministry title. Kingdom authority is not emotional manipulation dipped in theological syrup and served with a smile. Jesus grounds true greatness in servanthood because He is not merely giving us a leadership technique; He is revealing the architecture of the Kingdom. Authority that comes from fear will always dominate. Authority that comes from love can actually serve without feeling like it is dying.

This is where 1 John 4:18 becomes surgical: “There is no fear in love, but perfect love drives out fear, because fear involves punishment.” The Greek word for fear is φόβος (phobos), and John is not talking about reverent awe here. He is talking about the kind of fear that expects pain, rejection, exposure, judgment, or loss. Then he says fear has to do with punishment, and the word is κόλασις (kolasis), which carries the idea of corrective punishment, torment, penalty, or painful consequence. That is massive. Fear lives under the expectation that something painful is coming. So, the controlling person tries to punish first. They punish with tone. They punish with withdrawal. They punish with accusation. They punish with moodiness. They punish with spiritual superiority. They punish with the dreaded “we need to talk” energy that makes everyone in the house shudder because dad said the whipping belt is coming out of the closet with fury.

Why? Because fear says, “If I do not make them feel the pain first, I will have to feel it.” Control is preemptive punishment. It is the fallen soul trying to stay ahead of perceived death. The bully is not merely trying to win the argument: he is trying to avoid the crucifixion of his own false self. He cannot lose the conversation because he thinks losing the conversation means losing his significance. She cannot be questioned because she thinks being questioned means being unloved. They cannot be corrected because correction feels like condemnation. They cannot be disagreed with because disagreement feels like betrayal. They cannot release control because control has become the little cardboard throne their fear sits on while pretending to be God.

But the Gospel does not flatter that throne. It burns it down.

The finished work of Christ does not merely forgive our sins while leaving us emotionally addicted to Pharaoh’s management style. Jesus did not deliver us from the fear of death so we could spend the rest of our lives killing the peace in every relationship around us. He did not destroy the devil’s slavery system in Hebrews 2, so we could recreate little household plantations of fear, intimidation, and manipulation in our marriages, churches, friendships, and leadership teams. If the fear of death held humanity in slavery, then every lesser fear that mimics death will try to re-chain us in smaller ways. Fear of losing control. Fear of being misunderstood. Fear of being disrespected. Fear of not being needed. Fear of being exposed. Fear of someone else having a voice. Fear of not getting the last word. Fear of being treated as ordinary when we have worked so hard to appear indispensable.

This is why controlling people often call their control “discernment,” “standards,” “leadership,” “protection,” or “just being honest.” And sometimes, yes, discernment is real. Standards matter, and genuine leadership is necessary. Protection is godly. Honesty is holy. But, when those things are driven by fear instead of love, they become counterfeit virtues. A fearful man can quote truth and still weaponize it. A fearful woman can use tears and still manipulate. A fearful leader can demand unity while destroying fellowship. A fearful parent can demand honor while cultivating resentment. A fearful pastor can preach submission while refusing accountability. A fearful congregant can cry “spiritual abuse” simply because godly leadership did not bow to their personal preferences. Fear is sneaky like that. It can dress up as both tyrant and victim, depending on which costume gets more control in the moment.

Think back to the covid fiasco that tyrannized the whole world:

• Forced masking

• Social distancing

• Online church

• Vaccination passports

• Cancellation

The Kingdom exposes both the tyrant and the victim.

Perfect love does not mean spinelessness. It does not mean leadership evaporates, correction disappears, fathers stop fathering, pastors stop guarding, husbands stop leading, or the church becomes a group therapy session with safe spaces and no spine. God forbid. Perfect love is not the absence of authority; it is authority delivered from fear. Love can correct without crushing. Love can lead without lording. Love can confront without contempt. Love can say “no” without needing to humiliate. Love can hold a boundary without becoming a bully. Love can submit without becoming enslaved. Love can release control because love is not trying to stay alive by making everyone else a slave.

That is the death that ‘controlling’ people are resisting. Kingdom-submitted people are resisting the death of the false self. They are resisting the death of the false image. They are resisting the death of the illusion that they are safe only when everyone else is predictable, compliant, and orbiting around their emotional weather pattern. But, Jesus said the one who tries to save his life will lose it, and the one who loses his life for His sake will find it. That is not merely about martyrdom someday; it is about discipleship today. It is about letting the crucified Christ put a nail through the hand that keeps grabbing for the steering wheel in every relationship. It is about letting Him crucify the part of us that would rather control people than trust God. It is about finally admitting that if surrender feels like death, it may be because something in us actually needs to die. And once that thing dies, the relationship can breathe again.

Our right posture and balance towards control is the difference between a world headed into the Great Awakening, and one headed into another cycle of Covid, or whatever the New World Order wants to launch on a weak society. There is only one Head and one King over all kings. Our righteous responsibility is to live submissively confident in His Lordship while imaging His leadership in the sacred covenants He has blessed us with, whether that is familial, political, or social. The world has enough fear-driven bullies; it is time for the Sons of God to redeem creation.

Romans 8:18-21

I consider that our present sufferings are not comparable to the glory that will be revealed in us. The creation waits in eager expectation for the revelation of the sons of God. For the creation was subjected to futility, not by its own will, but because of the One who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be set free from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God.

For the King!

I love you,

Steve